It seems as if time is moving extremely fast - yet, extremely slow all at the same time! Where has time gone? When I look back, I find it difficult to believe all that I have been through, how much I have grown and especially the fact that I will be going to college in less than a year!
I know I don't really write these things to anybody... and for me, that's okay. Just knowing that I have a place to let things out is good. Things have been going okay for me I guess. School is frustrating right now; actually, everything is. But, i guess I would be pretty bored if nothing were going on and everything was just fine. Oh to live the life of Jade Kerr.
Well, off to the grocery store.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Saturday, January 31, 2009
What's normal mean?
Everyone says that they want to be normal. Well what is normal?
I want to be normal... but how can I know for sure exactly what it is that I want. How can someone define normal? How do we individually define normal?
There are so many things I wish were normal like my relationship with my parents. If it had started out normal and remained normal, it would all be normal now, right? Well, it's not. So, is this the norm for me now? No relationship, no communication... no affection?
I'm ready to give up. Give up on trying to be normal, give up on trying to have relationships I don't necessarily want anymore, and ready to give up on all that I wish I were - or things I wish wouldn't have happened. I ready to give up on everything.
I wish my sleep were normal, I wish I looked normal, I wish... I wish...I wish.
Is that selfish?
The one thing that continues to plague my heart and mind is this: I wish I knew that God loves me... I wish that just one person (being) would love me... and give me comfort and find joy in giving me things... and do all of the things that I do for others I love that don't necessarily love me as much back. I wish. I wish I had a Father who could wrap me up in his arms and tell me he loves me. I wish I had a Father who could tell me I'm beautiful. I wish I had a father who would reassure me when things went wrong.
I wish that were the norm - but, nearly nobody has that either because this world is far from normal or perfect.
I want to be normal... but how can I know for sure exactly what it is that I want. How can someone define normal? How do we individually define normal?
There are so many things I wish were normal like my relationship with my parents. If it had started out normal and remained normal, it would all be normal now, right? Well, it's not. So, is this the norm for me now? No relationship, no communication... no affection?
I'm ready to give up. Give up on trying to be normal, give up on trying to have relationships I don't necessarily want anymore, and ready to give up on all that I wish I were - or things I wish wouldn't have happened. I ready to give up on everything.
I wish my sleep were normal, I wish I looked normal, I wish... I wish...I wish.
Is that selfish?
The one thing that continues to plague my heart and mind is this: I wish I knew that God loves me... I wish that just one person (being) would love me... and give me comfort and find joy in giving me things... and do all of the things that I do for others I love that don't necessarily love me as much back. I wish. I wish I had a Father who could wrap me up in his arms and tell me he loves me. I wish I had a Father who could tell me I'm beautiful. I wish I had a father who would reassure me when things went wrong.
I wish that were the norm - but, nearly nobody has that either because this world is far from normal or perfect.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Yes, Again.
I'm unsure.
I'm all back and forth. I'm upside down, inside out and just all jumbled up. Yes, these are feelings, but, they are real - and that is okay. But now, what do I do about it? How do I "become" sure?
I don't know what else to say. I've had many revalations or whatever... or, major self-interventions... and come to cross-roads and have climbed over hills... and well, I've been all over. Stressed with exams. Just everything.
I'm EXHAUSTED.
I'm all back and forth. I'm upside down, inside out and just all jumbled up. Yes, these are feelings, but, they are real - and that is okay. But now, what do I do about it? How do I "become" sure?
I don't know what else to say. I've had many revalations or whatever... or, major self-interventions... and come to cross-roads and have climbed over hills... and well, I've been all over. Stressed with exams. Just everything.
I'm EXHAUSTED.
Friday, January 2, 2009
Part of me.
is fed up.
Part of me just feels like a continuous down-spiral. It feels lost and somewhat okay to be lost - just tired of being and ready for it to be over. It's kind of like getting on an awesome roller coaster. It's amazingly fun and pleases your sense of thrill. But, after a while comes a point in which you are just ready to get off and stop. I know that is somewhat a bad example, but it's all I've got. I am just at the point where I am ready to get off and essentially give up. In context, it is a much bigger thing than just getting off of a roller coaster, but it is a good "visual" I guess.
There is however, still the other part of me. Although fading, still present. That part of me is seeking things to enjoy, things to find life in; meaning. I did some shadowing monday and tuesday at my doctors office which was just an overall AMAZING experience. I wish I could do it all the time. It kept me focused on the part of me that wants to do good and the part of me that thinks something of myself. It was great. I just feel like this part of me is fading like I said before. It fights harder and harder the more it fades, but, there is a breaking point. I can see that breaking point and it scares me, it relieves me, it makes me anxious, it saddens me, it makes me increasingly careless and it makes me happy sometimes.
How much can a person truly take? How could an average level of endurance ever be created when each person is capable of their own amount? What is my level of endurance? Why can't it be lower, why isn't it higher, why haven't I reached it? Those are all questions that occassionally pop into my head and well, there they are now. Everything about my life and surrounding my life makes me unsure as of now. I was reading proverbs 2 earlier and I guess the thing I really need right now is wisdom through this all. Wisdom, good sense and understanding.
Part of me just feels like a continuous down-spiral. It feels lost and somewhat okay to be lost - just tired of being and ready for it to be over. It's kind of like getting on an awesome roller coaster. It's amazingly fun and pleases your sense of thrill. But, after a while comes a point in which you are just ready to get off and stop. I know that is somewhat a bad example, but it's all I've got. I am just at the point where I am ready to get off and essentially give up. In context, it is a much bigger thing than just getting off of a roller coaster, but it is a good "visual" I guess.
There is however, still the other part of me. Although fading, still present. That part of me is seeking things to enjoy, things to find life in; meaning. I did some shadowing monday and tuesday at my doctors office which was just an overall AMAZING experience. I wish I could do it all the time. It kept me focused on the part of me that wants to do good and the part of me that thinks something of myself. It was great. I just feel like this part of me is fading like I said before. It fights harder and harder the more it fades, but, there is a breaking point. I can see that breaking point and it scares me, it relieves me, it makes me anxious, it saddens me, it makes me increasingly careless and it makes me happy sometimes.
How much can a person truly take? How could an average level of endurance ever be created when each person is capable of their own amount? What is my level of endurance? Why can't it be lower, why isn't it higher, why haven't I reached it? Those are all questions that occassionally pop into my head and well, there they are now. Everything about my life and surrounding my life makes me unsure as of now. I was reading proverbs 2 earlier and I guess the thing I really need right now is wisdom through this all. Wisdom, good sense and understanding.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
A New Year.
I have to say, I am quite scared of this new year. I'm happy it's a new year and all, but, it honestly doesn't seem anymore different than 2008 so far. I know it's only a day in and I cannot judge the entire year based on my feelings... but, it is the way I feel. The new year holds much in store and the fact that I have no clue what any of it is scares me. Many wonderful things can happen that I'm planning ahead of time for which is AWESOME, but there is also the very unexpected. I am so scared of that. Like I said in my last entry, I'm unsure. And, I guess that is okay to be unsure because life itself is never sure. But, I'm the type to want to know where I'm heading way before I am even making official plans. I'm not going to make a new years resolution or any thing along that line because in all honesty, I can make those resolutions any time I want if I really am confident in myself and want to make a commitment. I will say this though, I will try my hardest to continue working at letting go of some of the control and worry. It does me no good. I know that, everyone around me knows that...but, I still can't do it. We'll see how it all turns out. Maybe this will be something I work on until I am like 80 years old...who knows?!?!
All I can say now is: I'm scared. Scared of everything. Scared of being, not being, trying and failing, succeeding, falling, experiencing, happiness and ultimately, saddness.
All I can say now is: I'm scared. Scared of everything. Scared of being, not being, trying and failing, succeeding, falling, experiencing, happiness and ultimately, saddness.
Monday, December 29, 2008
Unsure.
About everything.
Life, family, interests, beliefs, finanaces, funding, health and academics: Everything.
There comes a time in life, I know, that you have to begin worrying - or taking into more consideration/serious thought - about certain things such as money, and health... little did I know, those worries have hit me wayyyy early. When people ask me my age I always reply with the actual age, making sure I add in the half if I am truly 15 and a 1/2 like I am now. I do this for two reasons: 1. I believe that you are only as old as you make yourself. Yes, age does apply to you and there are certain "guidelines" that come with age and levels of appropriateness, but, I feel that the more you think of yourself as young and "vibrant" instead of near death and old... you feel somewhat better. 2. I feel old in some ways. I feel like I have had to worry so much about things that are way beyond my years and have had to grow up certainly faster than others in all aspects of my life. So, when I add in that half, I feel like I kid still. I'm trying hard to know what it feels like to be a kid who is content with being just that. I never did know that and so, well, that is one little way to be the kid I know is in there somewhere.
I guess from here I am going to "have to" continue worrying about things like health and finanaces considering I have my entire life ahead of me and I am not getting any younger. I just wish that I didn't start worrying so young. Maybe things now would be different had I not worried so much. Maybe I would not be depressed... maybe I would not have anxiety problems... maybe I wouldn't be suffering from physical, chronic pain. There are SO many maybes.... and I'll never know the answers beacuse I've already extended past the door of those maybes. So now what?
That is where I get stuck sometimes. Now what? I'm too unsure.
Life, family, interests, beliefs, finanaces, funding, health and academics: Everything.
There comes a time in life, I know, that you have to begin worrying - or taking into more consideration/serious thought - about certain things such as money, and health... little did I know, those worries have hit me wayyyy early. When people ask me my age I always reply with the actual age, making sure I add in the half if I am truly 15 and a 1/2 like I am now. I do this for two reasons: 1. I believe that you are only as old as you make yourself. Yes, age does apply to you and there are certain "guidelines" that come with age and levels of appropriateness, but, I feel that the more you think of yourself as young and "vibrant" instead of near death and old... you feel somewhat better. 2. I feel old in some ways. I feel like I have had to worry so much about things that are way beyond my years and have had to grow up certainly faster than others in all aspects of my life. So, when I add in that half, I feel like I kid still. I'm trying hard to know what it feels like to be a kid who is content with being just that. I never did know that and so, well, that is one little way to be the kid I know is in there somewhere.
I guess from here I am going to "have to" continue worrying about things like health and finanaces considering I have my entire life ahead of me and I am not getting any younger. I just wish that I didn't start worrying so young. Maybe things now would be different had I not worried so much. Maybe I would not be depressed... maybe I would not have anxiety problems... maybe I wouldn't be suffering from physical, chronic pain. There are SO many maybes.... and I'll never know the answers beacuse I've already extended past the door of those maybes. So now what?
That is where I get stuck sometimes. Now what? I'm too unsure.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Preperation.
Tomorrow is when I am heading back to NC. It is going to be a busy, hectic, blah type of day. I have to get up extra early to get ready so we may leave at 5:30 to get to the airport at 6:00 to check in and then get on the plane at 7:00 am! Then, once I land, I have to get in the car for a 45 min - an hour drive! Just not fun!!!!
This trip has been frustrating, great, joyous, filled with laughs, annoying and just everything all bundled into one. Each time I come down, I realize how much more I like living in NC now compared to when I first moved there. The traveling to and fro is just the toughest part for me.
I am looking forward to getting back home and relaxing and God willing, doing homework. I am also excited about doing some job shadowing at my doc's office on Mon. and Tues.! :) I am also glad to be able to get back into my therapy routine once school starts back...but now, the time is ticking. My session authorization will be up soon and I must figure out where I go from here. All of this that has been going on in the last two years has had me questioning my reasons in life, my beliefs, my heart, and where I am heading. I find that I have to "worry" about my life like an adult would for themselves or their child. It's tough.
This trip has been frustrating, great, joyous, filled with laughs, annoying and just everything all bundled into one. Each time I come down, I realize how much more I like living in NC now compared to when I first moved there. The traveling to and fro is just the toughest part for me.
I am looking forward to getting back home and relaxing and God willing, doing homework. I am also excited about doing some job shadowing at my doc's office on Mon. and Tues.! :) I am also glad to be able to get back into my therapy routine once school starts back...but now, the time is ticking. My session authorization will be up soon and I must figure out where I go from here. All of this that has been going on in the last two years has had me questioning my reasons in life, my beliefs, my heart, and where I am heading. I find that I have to "worry" about my life like an adult would for themselves or their child. It's tough.
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