A Beautiful Life?

A long time since

2010-11-11T11:15:00.000-08:00

It seems as if time is moving extremely fast - yet, extremely slow all at the same time! Where has time gone? When I look back, I find it difficult to believe all that I have been through, how much I have grown and especially the fact that I will be going to college in less than a year!

I know I don't really write these things to anybody... and for me, that's okay. Just knowing that I have a place to let things out is good. Things have been going okay for me I guess. School is frustrating right now; actually, everything is. But, i guess I would be pretty bored if nothing were going on and everything was just fine. Oh to live the life of Jade Kerr.

Well, off to the grocery store.

What's normal mean?

2009-01-31T17:56:00.000-08:00

Everyone says that they want to be normal. Well what is normal?

I want to be normal... but how can I know for sure exactly what it is that I want. How can someone define normal? How do we individually define normal?

There are so many things I wish were normal like my relationship with my parents. If it had started out normal and remained normal, it would all be normal now, right? Well, it's not. So, is this the norm for me now? No relationship, no communication... no affection?

I'm ready to give up. Give up on trying to be normal, give up on trying to have relationships I don't necessarily want anymore, and ready to give up on all that I wish I were - or things I wish wouldn't have happened. I ready to give up on everything.

I wish my sleep were normal, I wish I looked normal, I wish... I wish...I wish.

Is that selfish?

The one thing that continues to plague my heart and mind is this: I wish I knew that God loves me... I wish that just one person (being) would love me... and give me comfort and find joy in giving me things... and do all of the things that I do for others I love that don't necessarily love me as much back. I wish. I wish I had a Father who could wrap me up in his arms and tell me he loves me. I wish I had a Father who could tell me I'm beautiful. I wish I had a father who would reassure me when things went wrong.

I wish that were the norm - but, nearly nobody has that either because this world is far from normal or perfect.

Yes, Again.

2009-01-14T18:11:00.000-08:00

I'm unsure.

I'm all back and forth. I'm upside down, inside out and just all jumbled up. Yes, these are feelings, but, they are real - and that is okay. But now, what do I do about it? How do I "become" sure?

I don't know what else to say. I've had many revalations or whatever... or, major self-interventions... and come to cross-roads and have climbed over hills... and well, I've been all over. Stressed with exams. Just everything.

I'm EXHAUSTED.

Part of me.

2009-01-02T17:15:00.000-08:00

is fed up.

Part of me just feels like a continuous down-spiral. It feels lost and somewhat okay to be lost - just tired of being and ready for it to be over. It's kind of like getting on an awesome roller coaster. It's amazingly fun and pleases your sense of thrill. But, after a while comes a point in which you are just ready to get off and stop. I know that is somewhat a bad example, but it's all I've got. I am just at the point where I am ready to get off and essentially give up. In context, it is a much bigger thing than just getting off of a roller coaster, but it is a good "visual" I guess.

There is however, still the other part of me. Although fading, still present. That part of me is seeking things to enjoy, things to find life in; meaning. I did some shadowing monday and tuesday at my doctors office which was just an overall AMAZING experience. I wish I could do it all the time. It kept me focused on the part of me that wants to do good and the part of me that thinks something of myself. It was great. I just feel like this part of me is fading like I said before. It fights harder and harder the more it fades, but, there is a breaking point. I can see that breaking point and it scares me, it relieves me, it makes me anxious, it saddens me, it makes me increasingly careless and it makes me happy sometimes.

How much can a person truly take? How could an average level of endurance ever be created when each person is capable of their own amount? What is my level of endurance? Why can't it be lower, why isn't it higher, why haven't I reached it? Those are all questions that occassionally pop into my head and well, there they are now. Everything about my life and surrounding my life makes me unsure as of now. I was reading proverbs 2 earlier and I guess the thing I really need right now is wisdom through this all. Wisdom, good sense and understanding.

A New Year.

2009-01-01T11:56:00.000-08:00

I have to say, I am quite scared of this new year. I'm happy it's a new year and all, but, it honestly doesn't seem anymore different than 2008 so far. I know it's only a day in and I cannot judge the entire year based on my feelings... but, it is the way I feel. The new year holds much in store and the fact that I have no clue what any of it is scares me. Many wonderful things can happen that I'm planning ahead of time for which is AWESOME, but there is also the very unexpected. I am so scared of that. Like I said in my last entry, I'm unsure. And, I guess that is okay to be unsure because life itself is never sure. But, I'm the type to want to know where I'm heading way before I am even making official plans. I'm not going to make a new years resolution or any thing along that line because in all honesty, I can make those resolutions any time I want if I really am confident in myself and want to make a commitment. I will say this though, I will try my hardest to continue working at letting go of some of the control and worry. It does me no good. I know that, everyone around me knows that...but, I still can't do it. We'll see how it all turns out. Maybe this will be something I work on until I am like 80 years old...who knows?!?!

All I can say now is: I'm scared. Scared of everything. Scared of being, not being, trying and failing, succeeding, falling, experiencing, happiness and ultimately, saddness.

Unsure.

2008-12-29T16:53:00.000-08:00

About everything.

Life, family, interests, beliefs, finanaces, funding, health and academics: Everything.

There comes a time in life, I know, that you have to begin worrying - or taking into more consideration/serious thought - about certain things such as money, and health... little did I know, those worries have hit me wayyyy early. When people ask me my age I always reply with the actual age, making sure I add in the half if I am truly 15 and a 1/2 like I am now. I do this for two reasons: 1. I believe that you are only as old as you make yourself. Yes, age does apply to you and there are certain "guidelines" that come with age and levels of appropriateness, but, I feel that the more you think of yourself as young and "vibrant" instead of near death and old... you feel somewhat better. 2. I feel old in some ways. I feel like I have had to worry so much about things that are way beyond my years and have had to grow up certainly faster than others in all aspects of my life. So, when I add in that half, I feel like I kid still. I'm trying hard to know what it feels like to be a kid who is content with being just that. I never did know that and so, well, that is one little way to be the kid I know is in there somewhere.

I guess from here I am going to "have to" continue worrying about things like health and finanaces considering I have my entire life ahead of me and I am not getting any younger. I just wish that I didn't start worrying so young. Maybe things now would be different had I not worried so much. Maybe I would not be depressed... maybe I would not have anxiety problems... maybe I wouldn't be suffering from physical, chronic pain. There are SO many maybes.... and I'll never know the answers beacuse I've already extended past the door of those maybes. So now what?

That is where I get stuck sometimes. Now what? I'm too unsure.

Preperation.

2008-12-27T15:50:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow is when I am heading back to NC. It is going to be a busy, hectic, blah type of day. I have to get up extra early to get ready so we may leave at 5:30 to get to the airport at 6:00 to check in and then get on the plane at 7:00 am! Then, once I land, I have to get in the car for a 45 min - an hour drive! Just not fun!!!!

This trip has been frustrating, great, joyous, filled with laughs, annoying and just everything all bundled into one. Each time I come down, I realize how much more I like living in NC now compared to when I first moved there. The traveling to and fro is just the toughest part for me.

I am looking forward to getting back home and relaxing and God willing, doing homework. I am also excited about doing some job shadowing at my doc's office on Mon. and Tues.! :) I am also glad to be able to get back into my therapy routine once school starts back...but now, the time is ticking. My session authorization will be up soon and I must figure out where I go from here. All of this that has been going on in the last two years has had me questioning my reasons in life, my beliefs, my heart, and where I am heading. I find that I have to "worry" about my life like an adult would for themselves or their child. It's tough.

My daddy's ego - Letting go.

2008-12-24T11:06:00.000-08:00

I've told few about my favorite parts of coming to Florida. I have to say that having a daddy with a big ego has its pros and obvious cons! My dad used to race motorcycles right before I was born and then stopped. Earlier this year he bought another sports bike and everytime I come down, we always go on a ride at least once. He usually suprises me. Like this past summer, I was wanting to go downtown b/c I hadn't been to downtown Orlando in forever! So, he suprised me one night by driving me through downtown! It's nice to have him do these little things to assure his love for me. Sometimes, for me, it's necessary. Anyways, the time after that, he drove me past Red Hot and Boom - Orlando's BIG firework show down at the Altamonte Mall and Crane's Roost.

This time, my dad took me on a short ride around neighboorhoods to show me lights and just to have some time being close. That is what I enjoy more than anything else - being on the bike with my dad. It keeps us close and there isn't any awkward silence because we don't feel the need to talk. Here is where the ego part kicks in: He knows it terrifies me when he goes really fast, most around sharp curves - or curves he makes sharp by turning wayyyy late! I have trust issues with EVERYONE! So, I guess by trusting him with that looks like me shutting my eyes tight, pulling closer to his back and following the turn of his body and the bike. I often imagine us crashing in my head way after it is over and then before I know it, another curve has come. Letting go is too hard for me. I am seeing now that this is a small, similar picture of what it would look like to let go and trust God with my life.

Like I said before, my dad knows it terrifies me - but he still does it because he knows "A": that I will pull so close to him and hold to him tighter and "B": that each time I get less and less afraid. I guess God is wanting me to do the same, huh? So how? What does it look like to let go with God?

My trip to Florida has been busy and crazy and exhilarating and fun and tough. Right now as I am blogging I am listening to Leona Lewis' "Here I Am" and also the sound of the convenience store bells that ring as you walk in. They are the electronic ones - not real bells. My dad has had many occassions where he came home and his tires were stolen. All four of his brand-new, custom tires and rims were stolen in the middle of the night and then a few weeks ago, my step-mom had one of her tires stolen. So, my dad installed these sensors that make a ringing noise (like when you walk into the convenience store) when you walk passed them. It's funny - and SO annoying. I have the little monitor that makes the noise stuffed in a stocking on the wet bar. The sensors pick up wind and all movements basically - SO ANNOYING!!!!

Anyways, I have been busy.

My nana knows my love for medicine and last time I was down, I was begging her for her new stethescope for my first piece of medical equipment. So, when I went to her house the other night, she came out and suprised me with a green stethescope - a quite expensive one at that too! :) I was so happy!!!! :) Green is my favorite color if you didn't already know that. It is sitting around my neck right now! :)

I go to my chiropractor everytime I come down to orlando b/c he is awesome. he is like a grandpa to me. He was friends with my grandpa and the only time I hear about my grandpa is when I go to see him. I hear that I am like him a lot. It saddens me to not have known him. He died a year before I was born. Anyways, Dr. Fulmore (chiropractor) promised me a part time job at his office for next summer. So, I already have a job in a medical office that is not volunteer for once!!!! I'm always volunteering my time in medical offices but never getting paid for any of it! As a matter of fact, I am doing some job shadowing at my doc's office when I get back on monday and tuesday. :)

Well, I'll cut this somewhat "short" I guess. I have to get in the shower and get ready for the day.
Merry Christmas Eve!

Holiday Travels.

2008-12-20T10:28:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow I am making my way back to Florida. Over the last two and a half years I have gone down at nearly every holiday and school break. I still can't help but cry when I see my dad, or when we say good-bye. I am so excited to see him and just somewhat fall into his arms. I am sad however, that I will not see him again until July...but, I'm not going to focus on that as of now because I have the whole next week ahead of me.

I don't know how I feel right now other than agitated; irritated. I was babysitting last night and after I had put Aaron down to sleep around 8:00 I started my usual cleaning routine. I always clean up after the kiddo goes to sleep because I feel that it helps minister to Arlana. Anyways, I cleaned a bit more than usual. But, I had nothing else to really do. So, after that I got out the canvases that we had begun designing for the nursery for the new baby Peterson on the way and I finished painting. After that I sat there and listened to some music. I really felt the need to pray, but couldn't. So, I was at first just mumbling on to my grandpa. I said "I'd like to believe that you could hear me, so I'm going to just talk to you. Please surround me." And then, oddly, one of the light switches did flip off around this time and then I sat in the quiet for a bit. Then I was saying "God, I don't know what to say to you, I just don't. I may not directly talk to you, but please listen. Let my words pass through your ears and heart. Please join me." And then I just talked on and on. I, for some reason, felt so moved and overwhelmed and began softly crying - nothing like crying my eyes out...but, the last thing I said before dosing off was "Please surround me. Please be with me in this place." After that, I fell asleep and woke up at 11:22 when Arlana and Britt walked in the house.

Control.

2008-12-17T16:42:00.000-08:00

I guess I like control. I like being in control of all aspects of my life. Details mean SO much to me...yet, when it comes to the nitty-gritty depths of my heart, details are the last thing I will sacrifice talking about. There is something about feeling in control, or feeling like you are taking control of things. It is liberating, and it is just comfort in knowing that if something gets messed up, getting better is in your control as well. Others having control over your life is tough to handle, at least for me it is. I like to know precise times as to when things are happening. I like to be able to put a time frame on things so that I can keep everything...compartmentalized. Even if it doesn't actually end up being that specific time, I like to know that there is actual planning of details. I have to know details. It is a serious character flaw.

I realize more and more each day how much I feel like I need control. Why is it that I feel I need all of this control when I know that my trust in others is exactly the same as it is in myself? I cannot even begin to keep things together myself...but, I guess I'm afraid; Afraid that if I don't keep "control" then things fall apart. They did before, and so now, I feel like I need to do something. Anything in my power. It isn't necessarily that I have control I guess, it is more that I know what is happening and if something goes wrong, I know what comes next and I have a decision, or choice. I have to make sure that my wants are heard. Am I selfish or just OCD?

Frazzled.

2008-12-15T16:46:00.000-08:00

I am quite the type to get frazzled easily. I do and don't work well under pressure. I get all of the work done and do well on it, however, I go insane! Here has been the craziness of my day: I went to school of course like normal. After school I had to stay and help count senior superlatives in the yearbook room and was there until 5:30. Now I just finished working on my English II. Honors research paper that is due tomorrow. I already edited it and had a fellow student, as well as the teacher edit it, so I had to just type up my final draft. But, I have to figure out how to turn it in online and I have to redo my bibliography cards and notecards. They are almost virtually the same exact thing however, so unnecessary in my opinion. They are intended to help the student, but they help me none! In fact, all they do is create more stress. After that is done, I have to study for a World History honors test that is in first period. I am just so ready to give up. I am so completely overwhelemed and really do not know how I am going to get through this. I feel like my hope for everything is completely hidden or just gone. It's not just school, it's home, it's life, it's everything. God please give me the strength to get through this week - much less this night.

Tomorrow is going to be the toughest of all. I am going to be having a session with my mom and Lisa and well, I do not want this to happen. It is just not going to help me in any sort of way...but, I must do it before someone else does.

I'm so tired and I have many waking hours left. I'll be suprised if I get much sleep tonight. So much to do.

It Came Upon a Midnight Dreary.

2008-12-14T11:22:00.000-08:00

I guess if I were to look back on the many nightmeres that I have had, and still have, I could say that a lot of them relate. Somehow, they oddly tie into my issue with control. For instance, a few weeks ago I kept on having dreams about my newly put in crown falling out and no matter how much I tried to put it back, each time it would fall out. I couldn't control it. I would wake up and then drift back to sleep and I would be in yet a different setting and the same thing happening. Last night the same thing was happening. Except, it was crumbling repeatedly. I couldn't stop it and I could not hold it in. It just kept falling apart. I'd wake up and then drift back to sleep and it would happen all over again. Why is it that our sub-concious minds express what we feel we cannot? I know for me, that is exactly true. I dream of the things that my mouth cannot muster up enough courage to say.

I've said this many times and I'll say it once again - I'm tired of being tired. So, how does one get out of that cycle?

The Many Pieces of Me.

2008-12-13T17:20:00.000-08:00

I guess you could say I am poly-faced. I have no clue where I am going in life as of now. Yes, I have dreams and I have goals, but how the heck do I get there? I have no clue how to live RIGHT NOW.
I'm a girl that is so lost. I guess being 15 1/2 I don't really need to have my life all mapped out. But for me, that is like saying I can't know what my homework assignment is until the day it is due. I strive so hard to keep control of things. Every little detail needs to be worked out and I have to know of it. So how is it that with all of this assurance in worldly details my life is still falling into a million little pieces. I can't seem to keep it together.
I have a hard time trusting God with the control over the details. I know he has the control I guess, but trusting the control is my problem. Here I am; a fairly well-off high school student, goals of becoming a medical professional, I LOVE learning and truly hold friends and family dear. Yet, here is my life; Chronic pain, Reoccuring Major Depressive Disorder, Anxiety/Panic disorder, and chronic insomnia. How do I find the happy medium?
Here is part of something that I wrote on a piece of paper during school on Sept. 3, 2008. That was quite a while ago now, but it is still so much of what my heart is feeling, expressing, crying, and even screaming right now.
"I've got good grades (in most people's books) and I've got an awesome church with amazing friends. I've got a great support system in paly - so why is it with all of this I can't be happy? It frustrates me. I wish someone could see what it's like for me in those moments of deep sadness. I wish someone could just see. But to have someone would mean letting my guards down and I don't believe I can do that. I am too weak to let them down. My mind is racing to the point where I cannot relax - it's too much! To be so lost and stuck, or trapped, within yourself is...tough? That is to say the least. I can't think of the right word. It kills you - it turns you inside out. It turns you on yourself. You eventually hate yourself and you feel trapped and can't get out: stuck again. You are simply lost forever it seems. I am lost."

I'm not sure why I choose to put this on here, but I'm hoping that soon I'll be able to look back on this and understand but also be able to say, "I'm found." My hopes for this blog is to see the difference between my entries over time.